We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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