I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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