Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
