They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
