I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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