I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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