i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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