My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
