Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
