Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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