Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
