Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Randomize
