I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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