i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
