I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
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