i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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