wakey wakey hands off snakey
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
