Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
