My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
