Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
My day in three words: secret purse cake
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
