Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
