I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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