Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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