Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
