A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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