this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
