I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
