What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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