how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
