if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
