i need an iv and a liver transplant
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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