I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I just blew my weed a kiss
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
