dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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