When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
God gave him joint rollers for hands
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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