I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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