He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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