Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
