fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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