I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
