So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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