Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
