ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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