when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
