I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
