i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
The police scanner is talking about you again....
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
