nut hugger
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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