hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
