she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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