Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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