if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
