I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
