I heard we made out
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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